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Margaret’s Musings | Dates of Christmas Past

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mistletoe

by Margaret Steel Farrell

Lessons learned from the Date of Christmas Past

It was (supposed to be) the best of times, it was the worst of times! Yes, I know I’m quoting the wrong Dickens book for this festive time of year but, let me tell you, there isn’t a ghost in “A Christmas Carol” as scary as some of the Christmases I’ve endured because I spent them with men I barely knew. And why, you ask, did
I choose to do that? The answer is simple. Wishful thinking. Unbridled hope.  And blind, stubborn stupidity.

You see, once the leaves have fallen and cold November mornings hint that winter is right around the corner, if you’re single, it’s tempting to start hoping that you’ll meet someone wonderful in time to start a relationship for the holiday season. Of course it’s fun to be dating someone at this time of year because it feels romantic, it’s a time of love and coziness  and celebrating close relationships in your life. But here’s the thing. Relationships take time. They take sharing of the minds and hearts before sharing anything else to ensure you hook up with someone who’s really right for you. You need some objectivity and time for discovery. If you add an agenda
with a tight timeline to getting to know someone, you’re going to gloss over some things and fill in the blanks with others. And that’s not going to go anywhere good.

Trust me, I’ve done it. This is where the “dream sequence” starts and we travel back in time a couple of years.

*   *   *  *   *   *  *   *   *

His plan was to drop me off at the hotel by myself and go back to visit with his kids while all the others were out at Midnight Mass. I was flabbergasted. Now, before you judge me harshly, hear me out. Of course I could understand that he wanted to spend some time with his teenage children on Christmas Eve. But I had just travelled two hours in the car to his home town,  had a somewhat awkward “meeting the family” situation and he was leaving me  alone on Christmas Eve in a hotel room.

Did I mention he was leaving me alone?
On Christmas Eve? In a hotel room?

“But I know you’re tired,” he’d said. And he was right. I was exhausted. You see this story hadn’t start there. No, it had begun 36 hours earlier when we’d spent the day cleaning my house for the family gathering I was hosting on Boxing Day. The plan was to get my place ready on Dec 23, then drive to Toronto to sleep at his place so we could spend Christmas Eve meandering through the city until his kids were finished work. Then we’d all drive to his home town where I’d meet his mother and sister and family for a marvelous Christmas Eve and Day. Mmm-hmm.

We cleaned, yes. We drove to Toronto, yes. But I have asthma  and he has two cats. By bedtime, I needed my puffers and reached for my purse.  You have got to be kidding me! I was on the verge of an asthma attack and my  puffers were more than 100 km away. It was 11:30 pm. I didn’t have my car. I felt sick. He was not amused. I drove his truck, which was nearly on empty,  back to my house (alone, I might add), not confident on the exits and took the  wrong highway. I called him in a panic and got straightened out, doubled back  and stopped for gas in the middle of the night. By the time I got into my bed it was after 2 am. After the full day (and night) we’d  had and the asthma, I slept through the alarm in the morning and didn’t get back to Toronto until midday on the 24th. A leisurely morning of coffee and dim sum was off the list. I was apologetic and upset, he was annoyed and upset. It  was not a good start. His kids worked late so by the time we got to his Mom’s,
they’d already finished dinner and were wondering where we were. So lovely to  be introduced to family when everyone’s fuses are half-burned.

We had something to eat and visited for awhile. Now, God love his mother, I’m sure she tried but, when I think about it, he was bringing  me home to meet her, with his kids, on Christmas Eve, only a year out of a  23-year marriage. And they’re Catholic (divorce is a touchy topic, to say the least). What was I thinking???

When some of his family headed out to Midnight Mass, I asked  if we could go back to the hotel. I was exhausted but still had visions of  romantically snuggling in to watch a late-night Christmas movie on TV in  carefully chosen delicate apparel. He had other designs (see above). I was so  steamed, I actually toyed with the idea of calling a friend who lived nearby to  come and get me out of there. Can you say “drama?” There I was on Christmas Eve  with no car, no boyfriend, abandoned in a hotel room in a small town far from home. He eventually came back, we had a big fight, he slept on the loveseat and snored. I got no sleep and went to his family Christmas the next day tired and  angry.

Merry Christmas everyone!

So, looking back, did I make mistakes? Absolutely! Let’s see, I was unclear with my expectations, sucky and non-communicative when he  couldn’t read my mind and somehow forgot that it wasn’t all about me. He messed up too. The thing is, it was classic misunderstandings all around because WE  DIDN’T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL. Not one thing that happened was individually  a deal-breaker. On the contrary, it was life. But because we hadn’t experienced a lot of life together and didn’t have an understanding of each other’s needs  and communication styles and we felt the pressure of this being “perfectly wonderful,” it went downhill faster than Frosty belly-whopping down the slopes  with that little girl on his back. Really, the first mistake I made was suggesting we spend Christmas Day together. It was too much too fast.

Now, if you’re thinking, “Yeah, that was a really bad story but that was just a fluke,” uh no, I’ve got others. You see, I’m stubborn. And I  don’t always learn if I don’t want to. You’d think I would have gleaned some  meaningful lessons from that “incident” and I did! Eventually. I realized what the lesson was but sometimes it takes me a few tries before I can see the message clearly.

Here’s why pinning all your expectations for love and  satisfying Christmas memories on someone you barely know is usually not a good  idea (for the die-hards for whom that sentence alone is not self-explanatory).At a time when the relationship is at a very tender stage, you’ve gone and put a whole ton of pressure on it. When you don’t know someone very well, you don’t know how they’re going to react to your little eccentricities (or your big  ones, also known as family). When you don’t know someone very well and you want  so badly to make a good impression or hope he makes one, you may not be  completely yourself. This spells disaster. And besides, who wants to be stressed like that at a time when you really just want to let your hair down and enjoy  the season’s parties and laughs and intimate moments with those dear to you.

I’m not saying stop dating each year after November 15. No,  I’m saying don’t push it. Date but save the really special days for the really  special people in your life, which he’s not . . . yet. Do yourself a favour, go  on dates but, when it comes time for family gatherings and Christmas Day dinners, go your separate ways. Meet back up afterward and laugh about all the  antics you inevitably experienced. It’ll be another great way to learn more about each other, minus the pressure-cooker atmosphere. I’ve since chosen this  route with a new boyfriend at Christmastime and I can tell you this, sweeter  were the kisses, more joyful was the laughter and deeper grew our affection.


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